Friday, February 6, 2009

with love.

I have a new plan. I just finished reading "Girl, Interrupted," which, I've learned, is a true story, an autobiography...and for the record, the movie is good, but not comparable to the book. The movie is for entertainment purposes. It makes a point about mental health, but the book, on the other hand, makes a point about how people that are regarded as mentally ill are often just different. If that's not what Susan Kaysen was going for, oh's what I got out of it.
Something that the main character experienced in several instances was being discouraged from becoming a writer. She didn't want to go to college or have a boring job. She wanted to do what made her happy, and because of this, she was told that she was crazy. In my opinion, anyone that doesn't pursue happiness is insane. I guess in that sense, I've been a lunatic for the past 16 years.
I've spent so much time trying to fit in with someone else's idea of happiness. I've been this way since I can remember. I've been singing since I was four. I may not have taken it seriously at all back then, but I knew that I was good at it, I knew I loved to do it. I've always wanted to be a "singer." Now that I'm older, the term "singer" makes me think of popstars that I admired when I was younger. "Musician" doesn't even fit it. I believe the appropriate term is "artist," but probably not by most people's definitions. I've always liked drawing. I've always thought I was decent at it. I know people are better at it than me, but I don't really mind. It's always been a personal thing for me. I draw for my own sanity. I've never thought practice was neccessary in order to do something that's so personal and rudimentary. Then there's writing. I love writing. Maybe because I know that I'm good at it. I rarely enjoy writing assignments in class. The only exceptions are writing about things that interest me. I taught myself to read when I was younger. Around 3 or 4. I don't know exactly what
age I was, and honestly I don't care. All that matters is that it
opened me up to learning about anything that I want to know, and presented to me the option of ignoring things that I feel are useless. All this goes back to school. I've never done well in school. I've been told my whole life, "You're so intelligent, you could do so well if only you cared about your schoolwork." And I guess they're all right. I like to think that I'm an intelligent person. I'm creative. I'm talented. I'm ambitious and driven. but one thing I'm not is simple. I've been told by people that think they've got my archetype all figured out: I'm the intelligent but ignorant type, I think I'm a rebel, I think I'm too good to follow the rules, I think I can get by without doing any work. Well, really, they're only a little bit right in this assumption. I am intelligent. I'm NOT lazy. I'm not ignorant...I'm fully aware that I could be setting myself up for failure. I don't think I'm a rebel, I'm just optimistic and maybe a bit too aware of my own strengths. And true, I rarely do work in school, but honestly, I don't feel that I have to. Anything that I like doing, I'm good at...and anything that I'm good at can't be improved through a school system that simply takes any small sign of individuality and shatters it by constantly telling students that they're not good enough unless they fit someone else's idea of success.
Well I'm very sorry, but I'm not your cute little archetype. I've got my own agenda, though until I'm legal, I can't pursue much of anything, so I guess I'll just have to keep the authority figures happy for the time being. Regardless, I will pursue my idea of happiness. I wasn't put here to go along with everyone else's ideas, I was put here to question them, and to anyone that doubts me, you don't fucking scare me, and I really do feel sorry for you. You'll never know what it's like to be passionate about something. You'll never understand what it's like to love something so deeply that your only aspiration is to become it. I am fucking good enough, and I am too good for your rules.

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